I can’t believe I did it! If you read my last post, then you know what I’m talking about. I promised myself I would not run away or push my experience back down and I kept my promise. It took a whole 48 hours for the transformation to take place, but it did! I awoke this morning with a message of positivity and felt released, refreshed, and uplifted.
My journey really started to get interesting about four years ago. I had started receiving acupuncture and was taking some herbs that were cleansing my liver. My husband and I went to a music festival where we were camping the whole time and it was very hot. For those of you who don’t know, heat works the liver which is where we hold our emotions. So, I’m on a cleanse, in a very hot place, so my liver is getting a one-two punch. Then, I get a cold on top of it! As you can imagine, I’m not having a great time. I make it through the festival and we are on our way home. Back then, I would still cry anytime we would head back to LA, because my sensitive self just couldn’t handle relentless Los Angeles. We were driving alongside a river and I tell my husband to pull over and let me out. I lose my s**t. Literally, go crazy. I tell him to go on and leave me here. That I plan on sitting by the river until the good Lord takes me because nothing is real and none of it matters anyway and blah, blah, blah. He’s just sitting in the truck being his cool, calm, collected self. There’s a reason I married him. Not sure why he married me though, lol. I go and sit down and am fighting sanity. I’m walking the line and about thirty or forty minutes later, I get back in the truck and go to crazy LA.
I attempt to go to work the next day and make it through a shift or two, but am still living with the realization that nothing is real and therefore, nothing matters. My bottom has dropped out. It was my first experience of seeing things for how they really are and I have been struggling with that knowledge ever since. When you see this for the first time, there really isn’t anywhere for you to stand. You have no foundation. My foundation was always my belief in God and “knowing” what God is. Well, another experience happened around the same time that pulled that rug out from under me as well. I will save that story for another time, but because of this other experience, I now had no definition of God either. I lost the rest of me. The line between sanity and insanity became even thinner and so I did the only thing I could do. I was about to call 911 to come and pick me up and take me to a hospital when I called my friend who I knew was a budding healer and knew a thing or two about what I was going through. She was elated when I told her what was going on. She said she remembered going through the same thing and that she was so happy for me because of what it meant and that I would understand one day, etc. She only had good things to say and she preceded to give me a healing session. The first thing we did was to get me cleaned up, energetically. She showed me how to take a “proper” shower, which is a process of literally scrubbing behind the ears and everywhere in-between and visually imagining all the gunk going down the drain. Once I was “clean”, I knew what I had to do. She was with me as I called work and told them that I would not be coming in and that it was an emergency and my emergency might be over in a week or two. This was possibly the first time ever in my life where I truly honored myself. We went and sat down in the dining room under the most amazing raw cut crystal chandelier I have ever seen and she preceded to give me a healing session. By the end of it, I felt like I had leveled out. I was drained and exhausted, but sane. She then gave me the name of a healer who I began seeing and between the two of them and God’s Grace, I began to function again.
In the past four years, I remained sane by Faith. I resigned needing to know. I had Faith that it was all for a reason and that if I never got back that feeling of intimacy with God again, it was okay. God knows better than I do and also knows my desire to have knowledge of God. I have been living with the experience that nothing is real for a long time and it is difficult to go on that way. I have continued to Surrender and do God’s work all the while. Only now, on this morning, has it all come together and become somewhat clear. Having nowhere to stand allows for true creativity. This is where the playfulness of life lives. We know we create our own reality by the choices we make everyday, but never has it been so exciting. To be given the opportunity to play with God and see what we can come up with. What can we co-create? There is no limit. I was feeling limited by not knowing where to stand, when the truth is, from that place, we are limitless!!! That is all I have for right now.