“How can you be a Healer and be so angry?” was the question posed to me this past weekend while visiting with family. I had just given a healing session to my cousin, which then turned into a heart to heart therapy session for both of us. Well… mainly me.
My reply was that my Heart has an infinite capacity for loving, which is how I am a healing practitioner and because it is so loving, I get hurt a lot. This is not how it is supposed to go, but this has been my experience so far. I heal from a place of Universal Love and Understanding, but my humanness and ego are still in charge when it comes to my personal relationships. So how does this relate to Anger? I wasn’t quite sure, but have had some light shed on the subject in the past twentyfour hours.
I woke up yesterday extremely tired and rundown and started about my day. I didn’t have an appetite and didn’t get food until around 12:30pm or so. I made the poor decision of having a glass of Proseco while waiting for my food to be prepared and took my meal to go. Something happened on the way home that is almost indescribable. I had two cars cut me off and I went into a full blown rage! Luckily, I’m in my car and people may be able to see me, but at least they couldn’t hear me. I mean, it was as if my life depended upon how loud I could scream and throw this tantrum. As I pulled into the drive and gave thanks for being home, I sank into a depression so deep, that was full of self-judgement and confusion, and asked myself the same question posed to me earlier; “How can you be a Healer and be so angry?” I remained depressed the rest of the day and went into a fitful sleep. I spent most of the night awake as I do on occurrence. You see, this is a wonderful opportunity to do “The Work” and this Work is happening at an accelerated pace; however, inconvienent. I was sick to my stomach all night. There was an intense, fiery energy(the rage) that was sitting in my stomach and needed to be moved. I refused to push it down yet again and asked Spirit to help me through the night and to clear it or at least help me to have clarity about it by morning. I did not want to continue carrying this any longer. I was plagued by memories of not honoring myself. Memories of doing things I didn’t want to do, but doing them anyway. These memories ran the gamut and were from my childhood on up to adulthood. I have done this my whole life. That is where the anger resides. In my not honoring myself.
It was triggered at the restaurant because I knew I didn’t really need to be spending that amount of money on lunch. My husband and I are consciously saving money right now and my choice was not congruent with that fact. Also, I am trying not to eat meat. I don’t believe I need meat and I don’t want to eat it. But, I was stressed and am an emotional eater, so I bought something that had meat in it (a comfort food) and I felt like a failure and a fake. Again, doing something I really don’t want to do and doing it anyway. Try going thirty-nine years without honoring yourself, not being honored by others, and see how you feel. How does it show up in your life, if at all? Are you a fighter or a flighter? or are you a little of both? So I guess the next questions are: “Where do I go from here?”, “What do I do now that I have this information?”, “Is the rage gone, now that I’ve seen where it comes from?”, “How do I honor myself completely, in every situation in life?”. My answer is I don’t know the answers right now. I do know that I am exhausted, yet relieved. There was a release that occurred and the fire in my belly has subsided, at least for now. I choose to be grateful for this gift and will continue to appreciate any healing and clarity that I receive from Spirit moving forward.